Our most important relationship is our relationship with ourselves, yet we are often unkind to ourselves in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, such as critical self-talk, in which we talk to ourselves in ways we would never talk to someone we care about. At the heart of our lack of compassion for ourselves is the lie that many of us grew up with: in order to be successful, we must not only work hard, but we must never be satisfied, always push harder. As Emma Seppala says below: "Strive for more, work even harder, aim to be the best! We live in a society that regularly sends us such messages".

The way we treat ourselves when we haven't reached an important goal or something goes in an unexpected direction is important not only in meditation, but in life. If we’re harsh with ourselves (or others), every time something doesn't go the way we want it to, which is nearly all the time, we’d be pretty miserable. Over time, with practice, we learn that it’s possible to have a different, gentler, and more effective reaction when something doesn't turn out the way we wanted.

The first video shows Amy Pence-Brown, a self-proclaimed "body-image activist" doing a surprising thing in a public market in downtown Boise, Idaho. If you are moved by her video, see "The story behind Stand for Self-Love" and Amy's TEDx talk (above in "See also").

In the second video, Kristin Neff distinguishes between self-esteem and self-compassion (they’re really quite different: self-esteem has some significant downsides compared to self-compassion). The last video is a 2-minute clip of Tara Brach with the message that accepting yourself exactly as you are is not only not an impediment to change, but it’s actually a pre-requisite.

    To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don't have to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself. When you are born a lotus flower, be a beautiful lotus flower, don't try to be a magnolia flower. If you crave acceptance and recognition and try to change yourself to fit what other people want you to be, you will suffer all your life. True happiness and true power lie in understanding yourself, accepting yourself, having confidence in yourself.
           - from The Art of Power by Thich Nhat Hanh

    Strive for more, work even harder, aim to be the best! We live in a society that regularly sends us such messages. Meanwhile, most of us don’t stop to consider whether our goals are possible or whether they would even bring us lasting happiness. Even if we were to win a gold medal at the Olympics, our status as reigning champion would only last a few years and would most likely be accompanied by anxiety about losing in the future.
         Kristin Neff, associate professor of human development at the university of Texas and a pioneer of research on self-compassion, believes that our society’s emphasis on achievement and self-esteem lies at the heart of much unnecessary and even counterproductive suffering. From an early age, we are taught to build our self-esteem by competing successfully, yet competition is a losing battle. Psychologists have discovered that most people believe they are above average and better than others on almost every trait (the better-than-average effect). This belief helps us ward off painful feelings of inadequacy, but it comes at a price. When our self-esteem rests on the premise of successfully competing against others, we are always precariously teetering on the edge of losing. Social comparison and competition also foster disconnection by causing us to view others as obstacles to overcome in order to keep our position, mark our territory, and vanquish potential rivals. We ultimately feel more separate from others when the primary goal of our desire for success is to belong and to be loved.
    After observing the pitfalls of self-esteem, Neff went looking for an alternative, a way to set and achieve our goals without beating up ourselves — or anyone else — in the process. Through the practice of Buddhism, she found it in the form of self-compassion. With self-compassion, you value yourself not because you’ve judged yourself positively and others negatively but because you’re intrinsically deserving of care and concern like everyone else. Where self-esteem leaves us powerless and distraught, self-compassion is at the heart of empowerment, learning, and inner strength.
           - from "Self-Compassion" by Emma Seppala

    Be patient with everyone, but above all with yourself ... do not be disheartened by your imperfections, but always rise up with fresh courage. How are we to be patient in dealing with our neighbor's faults if we are impatient in dealing with our own? Those who are fretted by their own failings will not correct them. All profitable correction comes from a calm and peaceful mind.
           - St. Francis de Sales

    Many people in our culture have misgivings about the idea of self-compassion, perhaps because they don’t really know what it looks like, much less how to practice it. Often the practice of self-compassion is identified with the practice of mindfulness, now as ubiquitous as sushi in the West. But while mindfulness—with its emphasis on being experientially open to and aware of our own suffering without being caught up in it and swept away by aversive reactivity—is necessary for self-compassion, it leaves out an essential ingredient. What distinguishes self-compassion is that it goes beyond accepting our experience as it is and adds something more—embracing the experiencer (i.e., ourselves) with warmth and tenderness when our experience is painful...
    Perhaps the biggest block to self-compassion is the belief that it’ll undermine our motivation to push ourselves to do better. The idea is that if we don’t criticize ourselves for failing to live up to our standards, we’ll automatically succumb to slothful defeatism... But there’s now a good deal of research clearly showing that self-compassion is a far more effective force for personal motivation than self-punishment.
           - from The Five Myths of Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

    This brings us to unconditional friendship with ourselves, the second quality that Ani Pema teaches is critical for waking up. As she explains it, "When you have a true friend, you stick together year after year, but you don't put your friend up on a pedestal and think that they're perfect. You two have had fights. You've seen them be really petty, you've seen them mean, and they've also seen you in all different states of mind. Yet you remain friends, and there's even something about the fact that you know each other so well and still love each other that strengthens the friendship. Your friendship is based on knowing each other fully and still loving each other."
    Unconditional friendship with yourself has the same flavor as the deep friendships you have with others. You know yourself but you're kind to yourself. You even love yourself when you think you've blown it once again. In fact, Ani Pema teaches, it is only through unconditional friendship with yourself that your issues will budge. Repressing your tendencies, shaming yourself, calling yourself bad - these will never help you realize transformation.
    Keep in mind that the transformation Ani Pema is talking about is not going from being a bad person to being a good person. It is a process of getting smarter about what helps and what hurts; what de-escalates suffering and escalates it; what increases happiness and what obscures it. It is about loving yourself so much that you don't want to make yourself suffer anymore.
           - from "Pema Chodron on 4 Keys to Waking Up" by Andrea Miller

Love After Love
by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.